After careful consideration, I’ve decided to cancel the institution of marriage…
By the authority invested in me by the state of Whatsawhosit—it is imperative that I take a stance on this scourge of human sovereignty. I know so many of you love your monogamous relationship, but sacrifices, as they say, must be made.
That’s right. You guys have been getting cocky with this “marriage” thing, and it’s time to wright the ship. First things first, your marriage licenses have been permanently revoked. You never took the vows. You never had the ceremony. You never picked up the flowers. Many of you will become single mothers/fathers, but, again, sacrifices must be made.
In recent years, marriage has created for itself two separate functions:
1) A private ceremony that justifies cohabitation. You spent upwards of a billion dollars so that all of your friends can look at you in a white dress/tuxedo. Congrats. That sounds like a reasonable investment…silly billys. For some reason, people get the impression that this silly ceremony makes you look like an adult. But, it turns out that everybody that attended your wedding went for the free booze and dancing. Some went for the crappy food. You never see weddings catered by Taco Bell…too bad we’ll never see that happen in our lifetime..you know…because I destroyed the institution of marriage… believe I mentioned that.
2) A civil agreement, administered by the government that supervises the economic stability of the relationship. Because when I think about loving relationships, I think about money. Just so you guys know, that from here on out, everybody who cohabitates and/or owns children will receive tax benefits and hospital visitation rights. I might be a tyrant, but I’m not a monster, you guys. Moreover tax benefits will be given to those who put their children on leashes and to those who don’t take their kids to baseball games. It’s super annoying. However, if your child talks in the middle of a movie, you owe the government 10,000 dollars.
I have decreed that these are irrational practices, so, yeah, it’s over.
Many traditionalists have argued that marriage is defined as a relationship between a man and a woman. Of course, a brief look in any history book will demonstrate that this has never been true. Prior to modern civilization, it was defined as a man and his unlimited supply of lady-flesh. In some cultures, marriage was and still is a business exchange between two families for trivial goods such as land, property, employment, status, and/or capital (a la Fiddler on the Roof). Every one of those aforementioned relationships has also been revoked. ALL OF THEM.
Hitler never married Eva Braun. Bill never married Hillary (did he really ever?) Sampson never married Delilah. Nuns never married Jesus. Britney Spears never married Kevin Federline or that other guy. Newt never married Callista or those other ones. King Solomon never married Jennifer, or Abigail, or Donna, or Becky, or Shannon, or Christina, or Erica, or Melissa, or Rachel, or (in a crazy twist of fate) St. Peter. Check your Bibles folks…its 53% true.
In modern times, wealthy business owners have taken it upon themselves to sign what are known as “pre-nups”. First things first, all prenuptial agreements will, from here on out be referred to as “prenips”, only because I think it’s funny. Second, they are all null and void. That’s right, Mrs. Trump, steal a couple lamps and some dresses and run for your life, bitch. You won’t see a dime of Le Donald’s money, but you’re free. You don’t have to continue giving charity hummers to that bag of nastiness. Find a job in fashion. Enjoy your life.
Those employed in the wedding industry will compete for jobs in my administration. For instance, wedding planners are so good at yelling into walkie-talkies that they would make excellent chiefs of staff. But again, wedding caterers will not be employed at my kingly kitchen.
Whether you choose to continue self-inflicted monogamy is your call. However, we will no longer regard the status of your relationship as “married”, but rather as, “not normal”. Granted, many of you relationship dwellers are still “normal”, but there is a predetermined set of rules that one must unanimously conform to in order to be called normal again.
If you are living with your sexual partner, you are not normal
If you are living with the mother/father of your children, you are not normal
If you like it and are inclined to put a ring on it, you are not normal
If you can’t stay out past 10 because your significant other is on the rag, you are not normal
If you like Ke$ha, you are not normal—that’s not a marriage thing though.
The institution of marriage had a good run, but times are a-changing. Yoko Ono once said, “Marriage is a gamble, let’s be honest”, and she’s right, why gamble away The Beetles again?
Oh, one more thing, gay people are the only ones aloud to still get married under my regime. Thank you.
King Michael the 69th.